Midnight confessions of IT/BPO/KPO managers

Hello, my name is techgirl. My day job is writing about business and technology for one of India’s leading media houses. You might find it very hard to believe that sometimes I cannot write what is really happening in the Indian tech world. My Editor is ‘close friends’ with half the tech moguls in India. Our advertising department is even closer to these tech companies. So, we write only positive feel good stories about the Indian IT, BPO and KPO sectors. My Chief Reporter is a true believer who tells me that it is ‘disloyal’ to India to publish anything negative about India. Ms Chief Reporter feels that the sexual harassment case against Infosys was a conspiracy by America’s Silicon Valley to prevent more jobs outsourced to the best and brightest in Bangalore.

Sadly, this has resulted in senior managers and my close friends in TCS, Infosys, Genpact, Satyam etc not given a chance to tell Indians what they really feel. These CEO’s ring me at night and pour their heart out. I will use this blog to tell Indians what their bosses really feel. Sometimes, I am half asleep am not sure what they really want to say. But as an Indian journalist that has never stopped me giving the facts from my sleepy recollection of events.

I am still looking for sponsors. Trashgoss (aka Techgoss) has just bought my blog and will pay me to write satire. Suckers! After working in the tech media for many years, I am open to any sponsorship ‘opportunities’.

The phone rang. It was Bill Gates


Bill Gates: (with his American Twang) Howde Techgirl!
Techgirl: Billionaire Bill, what is the Microsoft founder doing in India?


Bill Gates: Techgirl, My life is the same. Doing some business. Then some social work. Back to business. It all blends in together. Sometimes, it is hard to know what business is and what social work is.
Techgirl: You were in India to accept some award for social work.


Bill Gates: Actually, I was here to lobby Nandan Nilekani so that Microsoft can get a share of UID Business. The Indira Gandhi award was secondary and of no consequence.
Techgirl: Yes, I wrote about it in techgoss.


Bill Gates: Your NASSCOM guys have a one track min. I thought Americans can be shameless salesmen, but NASSCOM could teach us a trick or two. They wanted more H1B Working Visas and wanted me to speak to Obama, Clinton and anyone who could help.
Techgirl: How did NASSCOM lobby you?


Bill Gates: It was all a big set up. I landed at Delhi Airport where my driver picked me up to take me to Taj. As the car stopped at the first red light, out comes a beggar and knocks on my Window. As your economy has improved, I give every beggar Rs. 10 and a copy of Vista operating system.

The beggar took the Rs. 10, returned the Vista and shouted: “If your country gave us a few more H1B Work Visas, I would not be doing this. By the way, I hope Windows 7 is not another Vista”.

Once I reach the hotel, I had a shower and then made my way to the NASSCOM meet to welcome me.

I walk into the NASSCOM conference hall and I see two photos. The first photo frame had President Bush wearing a red spot on his head. This photo was garlanded with fresh flowers. The next photo frame was cracked and had an image of President Obama garlanded with old shoes. When I queried NASSCOM President Som Mittal, he said Indians hated Obama because he had tightened rules of H1B Visas while Bush loved Indian workers.

On the Stage there was a huge banner which said: ‘Indians love America. Even more than Pakistanis love America’.

Then Som jumped on stage and made a speech about how much NASSCOM loved all things America. Both countries were democracies. Blah Blah. Both understood technology. Blah Blah. Both only used Indian workers (huge guffaws from the NASSCOM members). Som then dedicated the NASSCOM cultural program to his ‘American friends’.

The first act was all of the NASSCOM office bearers joining hands to do a Moon Dance in memory of Honorary Indian Michael Jackson. The first time I had seen it being done in Indian Kurta Pyjamas and Kolapuris.

Next, everyone left the stage except for Pramod Bhasin. Pramod grabbed the mike and soulfully sung: “God bless America ..”. It brought tears in my eyes. I never knew that Indians loved America more than we did. Thunderous applause when Pramod finished the song. All I could see were a sear of American flags being waved by Indians. Pramod reminds me so much of Steve Ballmer.

Then, all the NASSCOM members got back on stage and sung two Hindu songs with an H1B Visa theme.

The first was from some movie New York and went like this

“
lagta hai aajkal daur apna aayega …
yaaron jo khud pe ho yakeen
toh H1B Visa kal bulayega

yaaron jee bhar ke jee le pal
lagta hai aajkal daur apna aayega …
yaaron jo khud pe ho yakeen
toh H1B Visa kal bulayega

hai junoon …
hai junoon sa jeene mai
(sa jeene mai)
hai junoon …
hai junoon sa H1B mai
hai junoon …
hai junoon sa jeene mai
(sa jeene mai)
hai junoon …
hai junoon sa H1B mai
(hai junoon sa America Visa mai)
….
“

I was weeping like a Vista user when I heard this Indian song about New York. The next song was even more emotional as it was an adaptation from my favourite Indian movie Slumdog Techie.

“
jai ho… jai ho…
H1B ho… H1B ho…

aaja aaja jind shamiyane ke tale aaja
H1B Visa waale nile aasman ke tale
jai ho… jai ho…
aaja aaja jind shamiyane ke tale aaja
H1B Visa waale nile aasman ke tale
jai ho… jai ho…

jai ho.. jai ho..
H1B ho.. H1B ho..
jai ho.. jai ho..
H1B ho.. H1B ho..

ratti ratti sachi maine jaan gavayi hai
nach nach koylo pe raat bitayee hai
ankhiyon ki neend maine phoonko se udaa di
H1B Visa ki leya maine ungli jalayi hai

aaja aaja jind shamiyane ke tale aaja
H1B waale nile aasman ke tale
jai ho… jai ho…
H1B ho… H1B ho…
……
“

By this time, I was crying like an American worker whose job had been outsourced to India. The Slumdog song always gets me. By this time I wanted to get more H1B Working Visas for my fellow Indians.


Techgirl: That is so nice. What do you plan to do?
Bill Gates: Sack a few more of my American employees in USA and hire more Indians on working Visas. It is a win win situation.


Techgirl: Good night Bill. Have a safe journey home.