Midnight confessions of IT/BPO/KPO managers

Hello, my name is techgirl. My day job is writing about business and technology for one of India’s leading media houses. You might find it very hard to believe that sometimes I cannot write what is really happening in the Indian tech world. My Editor is ‘close friends’ with half the tech moguls in India. Our advertising department is even closer to these tech companies. So, we write only positive feel good stories about the Indian IT, BPO and KPO sectors. My Chief Reporter is a true believer who tells me that it is ‘disloyal’ to India to publish anything negative about India. Ms Chief Reporter feels that the sexual harassment case against Infosys was a conspiracy by America’s Silicon Valley to prevent more jobs outsourced to the best and brightest in Bangalore.

Sadly, this has resulted in senior managers and my close friends in TCS, Infosys, Genpact, Satyam etc not given a chance to tell Indians what they really feel. These CEO’s ring me at night and pour their heart out. I will use this blog to tell Indians what their bosses really feel. Sometimes, I am half asleep am not sure what they really want to say. But as an Indian journalist that has never stopped me giving the facts from my sleepy recollection of events.

I am still looking for sponsors. Trashgoss (aka Techgoss) has just bought my blog and will pay me to write satire. Suckers! After working in the tech media for many years, I am open to any sponsorship ‘opportunities’.

The phone rang. It was Infosys co-founder and ex-chairman Nandan Nilekani

Nandan Nilekani: Hi Techgirl, how are things in Mumbai? Is it still raining cats and dogs? Has Raj Thackeray asked you to blog only in Marathi?
Techgirl: Yes, it is raining and quite nice.. How are things with you?

Nandan Nilekani: I am sitting in Montek Sing Ahluwalia’s office. He stepped out to give his 10th interview of the day and so I just went and sat in his chair. I am quite enjoying sitting in chair from where such powerful decisions are made.
Techgirl: What’s Montek’s office like?

Nandan Nilekani: (looks around): Not unlike Infosys offices in USA. On the right of his chair, he has a big Indian flag. On the left of the chair, an American flag. He has a big red phone with four shiny buttons. First button says PM Office; second says McKinseys, third says Goldman Sacks and the fourth says PM Home. There are also a few Amar Chitra comics stacked up next to a file which says “Top Secret’
Techgirl: Gee, it sounds exciting. Please can you have a quick look at what is in the secret file.

Nandan Nilekani: I should not do this. But there are no secrets in the Indian Government. Whatever decisions they take are immediately relayed by different Cabinet Ministers to the Americans, Russians, British and Chinese. Now, you can add Infosys to the list. I just opened the ‘Top Secret’ file and it was a briefing paper from an Editor on what to say during daily media interviews to Times and CNN-IBN.
Techgirl: Wow. What does this secret paper say?

Nandan Nilekani: It has only 2 lines. Start off by saying: ‘According to the Presidents address to Parliament…’ and end with ‘I cannot be specific but …’. And if in doubt just throw a 6.5 – 7.5 growth rate figure.
Techgirl: What are you doing in Montek’s office?

Nandan Nilekani: Am here to complain. When offered the job, I was told the budget for the UID Project was going to be Rs. 500 crore. Today, Pranab told Parliament that it is only Rs. 120 crore. I feel cheated. If I had known it was such a paltry amount, I would have stayed in Infosys.
Techgirl: Rs. 120 crore seems to be quite sizable.

Nandan Nilekani: That is what I have spent on my wine cellar. If you read DNA, you will know I have the best wine cellar in the country. I spent Rs. 100 crore just on my wine cellar. Like my cheap wines, I swallow, slurp and spit on the UID budget of Rs. 120 crores. 120 crores is the annual bonus given to top executives at Infosys. It is chicken feed.
Techgirl: What do you want to do now?

Nandan Nilekani: I was going to walk out of the Government. Then I realized what we do an Infosys. We tell our American clients that the project will only cost 5 million dollars, but extend the scope and specs and land up charging them 25 million. Using the same strategies, I think we should be able to extend the UID budget by a few hundred crores. If TCS can delay the passport project by a year or so, so can we.
Techgirl: How do you plan to avoid any possible conflict of interest? After all you own many Infosys shares.

Nandan Nilekani: There will be no conflict of interest. I have promised Infosys all the contracts and I am a man of my word. I have to go the extra mile to look after my friends during this recession. During the Unique Id Project, I am also going to give all lucky 7 numbers of Infosys employee. 666 is reserved for TCS’s Ramadorai.
Techgirl: Any other special requests from the UPA Government.

Nandan Nilekani: I have been told Sonia Ji will be No. 1 in the UID Project. Both Manmohan and Pranab want to be No. 2. This is a hard one so the project may be delayed by 5 years. Mayawati only wants higher number, CPI only wants one number for the entire party, Kashmir wants ‘special status’ numbers with special privileges, Karunanidhi wants to personally select numbers for everyone in DMK, Narendra Modi prefers Hindu numbers, Ramalinga Raju has asked for a number with a few billion zeros …. Everything is getting as complicated as the politics in the Infosys Board.
Techgirl: The media is saying you will be allocating the first UID in 18 months

Nandan Nilekani. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. …That is too funny. It will take us 2 years to just spec the project. Got to go. Montek is coming back to his office.