Midnight confessions of IT/BPO/KPO managers

Hello, my name is techgirl. My day job is writing about business and technology for one of India’s leading media houses. You might find it very hard to believe that sometimes I cannot write what is really happening in the Indian tech world. My Editor is ‘close friends’ with half the tech moguls in India. Our advertising department is even closer to these tech companies. So, we write only positive feel good stories about the Indian IT, BPO and KPO sectors. My Chief Reporter is a true believer who tells me that it is ‘disloyal’ to India to publish anything negative about India. Ms Chief Reporter feels that the sexual harassment case against Infosys was a conspiracy by America’s Silicon Valley to prevent more jobs outsourced to the best and brightest in Bangalore.

Sadly, this has resulted in senior managers and my close friends in TCS, Infosys, Genpact, Satyam etc not given a chance to tell Indians what they really feel. These CEO’s ring me at night and pour their heart out. I will use this blog to tell Indians what their bosses really feel. Sometimes, I am half asleep am not sure what they really want to say. But as an Indian journalist that has never stopped me giving the facts from my sleepy recollection of events.

I am still looking for sponsors. Trashgoss (aka Techgoss) has just bought my blog and will pay me to write satire. Suckers! After working in the tech media for many years, I am open to any sponsorship ‘opportunities’.

The phone rang. It was my BBF (Best Bollywood Friend) Rakhi Sawant. I hadn’t spoken to her since she got engaged to NRI businessman Elesh Parunjwala on NDTV’s Swayamvar reality show. Rakhi did ring me every time she ‘eliminated’ one of her suitors and we both had a giggle at how most men on the show wanted only one thing – more airtime.

Rakhi Sawant: Hi Techgirl. Will you come for my wedding?
Techgirl: Does that mean you never want to meet me again?

(Both of us giggled as we knew that she would never get married. Item girls and Tech girls never get married)

Rakhi Sawant: Can we talk Girl to Girl. Or woman to woman.
Techgirl: Sure, lets talk girl to Techgirl

(Both of us giggled as this has been a long standing joke between us).


Rakhi Sawant: Well, I am not really in love with Elesh.
Techgirl: Why am I not surprised? Most of these NRI’s don’t have jobs these days. The money is in India and China.


Rakhi Sawant: I know our GDP will grow at 7 percent this year and that is why I will never leave India. But it has got nothing to do with money. As long as we have Manmohan and Montek, we will have a strong, sustained rhythmic growth. There is nothing soft about the way these men run the economy.
Techgirl: WTF? I thought you were on NDTV only for the money.


Rakhi Sawant: Actually, I think I have a crush on TCS CEO Ramadorai. I prefer older mature men. This way I will get a nice guy as well as money. You do know that TCS pays him crores.
Techgirl: Yup, I do. But I did not know you like the IT/BPO types. The only thing that excites them is new software.


Rakhi Sawant: Last night, I was lying in bed when my fiancée Elesh rang. But my mind was elsewhere and I never answered the phone. I was thinking I was in a Swayamvar with 3 Tech CEO’s
Techgirl: Who? And what happened?


Rakhi Sawant: I dreamt that I was walking in my sexy sari and 10 tonnes of jewellery towards the 3 Tech CEOs on Stage. TCS CEO S. Ramadorai was wearing a very elegant lungi like Home Minister Chidambaram. Infosys HR boss, Mohandas Pai was in a western suit and HCL CEO Vineet Nayar was wearing a smart Sherwani. All attractive men with bulging pockets. I was in Item Girl heaven.
Techgirl: But aren’t they all happily married?


Rakhi Sawant: Not that it matters. But that is the first question I asked them: Aren’t all 3 of you married?
Techgirl: What did they say?


Rakhi Sawant: All of them said as one: “If Haryana Deputy Chief Minister can change his name to Chand to marry Firza, so can we.
From today, I am Chand Ramadorai
From today, I am Chand Pai
From today, I am Chand Nayar

I then asked them if they were nice guys
TCS CEO Ramadorai: (with his million dollar smile) My freshers do not call me Daddy CEO for nothing. Our freshers get the highest salaries and best perks. No one is allowed to work more than 9 hours a day. And we work only 5 days a week.
Infosys HR boss Pai: (oozing sincerity) I am so nice that I never sack any ‘non performers’
HCL CEO Vineet Nayar: (looks straight into my eyes) I am so nice that I order 2 pizzas for every HCL employee every day.

I then zoomed in with the hard questions and rejections.
Infosys HR boss Pai, I will have to reject you as you have sacked thousands of youngsters and labeled them ‘non-performers’. You are a good looking man, but I need a man with a heart.
HCL CEO Vineet Nayar, You have classical Pathan good looks. You are a nice man. But you have a bit of a temper sometimes. Recently, you threatened to sue my friend Techgirl for which I can never forgive you.
TCS CEO Ramadorai, you are the man for me. You have everything an Item girl like me can want. You even have this thick Punjabi accent. How will you treat me?

TCS CEO Ramadorai: I will treat you with lots of love and respect just the way TCS treats its freshers. I will consult you on every major decision just the way TCS Team Leaders do with juniors. If you perform the household duties well, I may even get you an H1B Visa to work in a TCS Project in USA. The only bench you will sit on is with me on the beach at the beach.
Rakhi Sawant: You are so nice. So, when will I get my letter of appointment? I mean Letter of Marriage.
TCS CEO Ramadorai: Whose talking of marriage? I only want an engagement at this point in time. In TCS, we only give ‘permanent’ status after freshers have gone through a probationary period of 6 months.


Techgirl: So what will you do Rakhi? Will you accept the TCS offer?
Rakhi Sawant: I was about to marry Mr. TCS himself. Then I noticed that good looking man walk in with a book ‘Imagining India’ in his hand and surrounded by black cat commandos. At that point in time, I stopped having ‘feelings’ for Ramadorai and developed a crush on Nandan Nilekani. Which girl can resist those dark, brooding eyes? And Nandan is so cool, he even had a profile on Twitter.


Techgirl: You are incorrigible. You fall in and out of love as quickly as a ‘non performing’ TCS Junior changes project
Rakhi Sawant: I have to go now. I better sell this ‘Tech Swayamvar’ to NDTV before someone else does.