Midnight confessions of IT/BPO/KPO managers

Hello, my name is techgirl. My day job is writing about business and technology for one of India’s leading media houses. You might find it very hard to believe that sometimes I cannot write what is really happening in the Indian tech world. My Editor is ‘close friends’ with half the tech moguls in India. Our advertising department is even closer to these tech companies. So, we write only positive feel good stories about the Indian IT, BPO and KPO sectors. My Chief Reporter is a true believer who tells me that it is ‘disloyal’ to India to publish anything negative about India. Ms Chief Reporter feels that the sexual harassment case against Infosys was a conspiracy by America’s Silicon Valley to prevent more jobs outsourced to the best and brightest in Bangalore.

Sadly, this has resulted in senior managers and my close friends in TCS, Infosys, Genpact, Satyam etc not given a chance to tell Indians what they really feel. These CEO’s ring me at night and pour their heart out. I will use this blog to tell Indians what their bosses really feel. Sometimes, I am half asleep am not sure what they really want to say. But as an Indian journalist that has never stopped me giving the facts from my sleepy recollection of events.

I am still looking for sponsors. Trashgoss (aka Techgoss) has just bought my blog and will pay me to write satire. Suckers! After working in the tech media for many years, I am open to any sponsorship ‘opportunities’.

The phone rang. This ring tone was that I had selected for Genpact founder and President Pramod.

“Sare BPO’s se accha Genpact hamara, Ham Agent hai is ki, Ye Process hamara…”

Hearing the ring tone, I felt alive and perky. Pramod has this effect on women

Pramod Bhasin: Aaah, I am so tired of life. Time to go for a spiritual pilgrimage to charge up my batteries.
Techgirl: What happened? You are usually so positive and full of energy.

Pramod Bhasin: You keep asking me why I still work with Genpact and have not taken the opportunity to become the Home Minister of India as per Madam’s offer.
Techgirl: Yes, I have often wondered why you are still with Genpact. You can clearly do much better. Are you in Genpact for the money because you are paid $3 million a year?

Pramod Bhasin: No. Money means nothing to a saint CEO like me.
Techgirl: Is it the power? As the big boss of Genpact you decide everything.

Pramod Bhasin: Nope. I have tasted power and I have rejected it. Madam wanted to nominate me to Rajya Sabha and make me Home Minister. But I said no. I then suggested Chidambaram’s name. Given a choice I would rather sit in a cave in the Himalayas reading and meditating.
Techgirl: I didn’t know you had spiritual inclinations. When you spoke about Spirits I thought you were talking about booze.

Pramod Bhasin: No. I will take Sanyas soon. To prepare for Sanyas, I am going to lonely, barren places where there is no ‘intelligent’ conversation. And where men come to live out their last few years of their life. Nothing to do but introspect and detach yourself from this meaningless, materialistic world. No one works but only sits with their eyes shut.
Techgirl: You mean Himalayas! Or closer at Rishikesh! Or is it a jungle like Corbett National Park? Or is it an Ashram?

Pramod Bhasin: Actually, I am taking about NASSCOM. Once you have attended a NASSCOM meeting, it is like attending a gathering of Zombies. They just sit and state and mutter things no one can understand. After any NASSCOM meeting, you want to retreat to a world of peace and tranquility
Techgirl: So, have to you tried to leave Genpact and take Sanyas?

Pramod Bhasin: I did this after our last quarterly results were announced. I called Genpact COO Tiger Tyagarajan in the room and told him that I would be leaving Genpact.
Techgirl: Holy shit. What happened?

Pramod Bhasin: Just what I feared. Indians cannot take loss. When we lost popular, respected AP Chief Minister YSR in a chopper crash, tens of people committed suicide. We almost had the same situation at Genpact. My COO Tiger looked me in the eye and said: “Pramod, if you leave Genpact I will climb on the roof and jump down. And this is not an idle threat”. Tiger then SMSed HR and soon the word spread at Genpact that Pramod wants to leave
Techgirl: Holy Raju. Then what happened?

Pramod Bhasin: I thought for 5 minutes and decided to call Tigers bluff. Tigers are cats and then can land on their feet even if they jump off the roof. What happened next brought tears to my eyes. I left my office to cross the Agents on my way out when suddenly all the Team Leaders stood up on their work stations and with a threatening gesture put plastic rulers to their throats. By this time, their love for me had brought tears to my eyes. Sniffling, I walked out of the door. And what do I see there? 100 Agents were lying in front of my car. Being Genpact Agents, they had their headphones and were cold calling even as they prepared to be run over by my Maruti Zen. They know if they do not meet their sales targets their Team Leaders will kill them. My last sentence is a joke, okay?
Techgirl: That is so moving. You created Genpact and made it the No. 1 BPO in India. You have the same fatherly wisdom of Manmohan Singh, so am not surprised that Genpact employees preferred death to not having you. What did you do then?

Pramod Bhasin: I went to the local Barista and had 5 coffees and 4 cigarettes and I realized that I could not leave so many people who love and worshipped me. I withdrew my resignation. I have decided to call a witch doctor to do something about the Zombies at NASSCOM.
Techgirl: That is some story. So, did you withdraw your resignation letter?

Pramod Bhasin: What resignation letter? I am Genpact and Genpact is me. I just have to say resignation and it is as if I have resigned. And say ‘no’ to myself to withdraw the resignation. It is all in the mind. All in the mind
Techgirl: Genpact is so lucky to have you. And you are the only ones you can breathe life into the Zombies at NASSCOM. So, you cannot leave us.

Pramod Bhasin: I know. I know. Some men are indispensable.